3 MONTHS YOU SAY !! RANT TIME !!

Cripes, I though it was only 2 weeks ago that I got off the plane !....soooo, well, so far not a bad place to be , could be worse, could be in Haiti ! What in Gods name did those poor people ever do to deserve the shit kicking their taking I ask ?? Christ... enough allready.
I try to stay on top of whats going on but I just cry too much so I've had to stop looking at the videos and pictures, sent money , nothing more to do but pray to God things will soon turn around.
Oh and I get so pissed at these idiots who rant " Why isn't anyone doing anything? " Why don't they get in there and give them food and water " well I'll tell you why dipshits...they can't ...when you have a country so poor that lacks even the normal infrastructure what do you expect? Think of it this way ...you family are starving , their on the other side of the house, you can only get there through the front door , but there is crap piled 6 feet high in every room of the house and guess what " you have no arms !! Got it ??
Oh, I have to stop....I could go on and on and on about those a--holes : )

"Giving is healing"

I see Cardinals everywhere now, they stared coming shortly after I saw the first one in the tree. They come in different forms, the first was a Christmas card the next month after we lost him, the beautiful red bird embossed on a white background, Then in February , in a container of flowers, March a door knocker, and on and on, they have never stopped coming, all of a sudden they were everywhere, he is with me.
I don't know why I am able to put this to paper now, probably because finally I am able to speak the unspeakable ? Is it because of where I am; here in this beautiful strange land? Whatever it is it is. Thank-you Kim; as you said “giving is healing “ and a big thanks to Edna. I can rest now, knowing that my son is at peace.

After thoughts...

It is 8 years later, yet it still seems like yesterday, I guess it always will. I think a lot about that night, driving back there, thinking, “woman you are nuts” ,it was just your imagination, I can go with that, but what gets me is, how did I know where to go ?
You never get over this, time does not heal the loss of a child , time heals the loss of some loves, parents ,siblings, husbands ,wives, aunts, uncles, but never a child.
Nothing heals the loss, because you physically lose a part of yourself, especially a mother , it is there in your heart/soul/mind and gut forever. Time makes it easier to bear, just a little easier, even now I just have to think about him and the ache and the tears will come. I had never given much thought to dying until I lost him, it was then I knew dying in his place would be a good way to go.
I will cry for the loss of my oldest son until I meet him again, and I know that that's the way it is and always will be, and I will handle that.

Spiritual guidance...

Its the Wednesday night before the weekend , its already dark, about 7:30 pm, I'm watching TV, hubby's asleep. Without any thought what so ever , I get up, walk into the kitchen , pick up the keys to the truck, jump in and drive into the darkness......

It's not that far up the highway where I have to turn up the Wentworth Road. About a mile up the road I start to cry, really wailing, I pull over, I can't do this. All of a sudden ,Shawn is beside me, he says its OK mum, its OK, I'm with you, so I keep driving, there are roads everywhere,I can't believe how many , a maze of woods roads that all look alike and I am talking out loud and agitated and desperately thinking, I will never find it , he says its OK mum ,its OK and 45 minutes later , by myself in the dark , in the middle of no where ,with my son beside me,we arrive. There is the marker that the boys had put up and there is the corner.
We drive around the corner and back, around and back, around and back, five times, all the while me trying to determine what had happened, how did this happen Shawnie, what happened ? and then he tells me, “ I was just going too fast mum, no seat belt, you know me.”
I situated the truck so the lights would shine on the cross on the hill , got out, climbed up the little embankment, and sat there for the longest time, crying the longest and hardest I had ever in my whole life. Then I drove home, by myself, calm in my mind that now I knew why. The next day, I couldn't believe I had done that, and many ,many times since I have wondered how I had. I can only write it off to spiritual guidance.

But before this...

So now I have to go back in time to 1991 ,before I go on with this otherwise you will think me crazy, yes , I too have though it myself, but the more I talk to people who have experienced this sort of thing, the more I think I'm OK...well maybe.
I was born a skeptic, I have only ever believed in what I could see,when it came to the spirit world of any sort, religious or otherwise , forget it, I was not convinced of any of it,and then my mother died.
Were it not for a friend of mine with me that day , I would say I was crazy and off my rocker and had imagined the whole thing.
She was dying of cancer, I was on my way to Halifax for a checkup after my cancer operation. My friend drove and when we came abreast of Liverpool a sea gull swooped down in front of the car , back to us , and we hit it , or vice versa, did some damage to the chrome trim so we continued on.I became very anxious. Once finished my appointment, I insisted on driving back. I was agitated, and by the time I got to Bridgewater I could clearly hear my mother singing as plain as if she were sitting in the back seat. I looked over at my friend and said "do you hear that", do you hear that singing ? the look was "are you out of your mind" and no,I hear nothing. I just kept driving, listening , then asked " are you sure" more blank stares and an offer to take the wheel.
As I approached Liverpool again, I blurted out " there's a message on the answering machine from Sandy". No more was said and as soon as I got home , the message was there. He said, " get up here as soon as you can", I did,just in time for her to move her head close to my neck, sigh and pass on, to hopefully a better place. I was singing the song she had been singing to me on my way back from Halifax.
My first ever encounter with something that was not in my world of black and white. Then we come forward ten years. I still believe,or the only reason I can justify for these strange happenings is the connection you have and the stress your body deals with when you lose a loved one. Either its one hell of an imagination or there is a spiritual connection to help quiet your soul.

Into the Darkness

I had never gone to the site, I couldn't, but I knew that I had to go that next November and I knew why. I had seen his vehicle , the Polaris with the roll bars that he was so proud of when he brought it out to my house to leave for a few days before heading back to camp. He took me for a ride, so happy that he wouldn't have to wear a helmet anymore , though it did have seat belts.
When I saw it after the accident I couldn't even look at it, it almost made me sick.The question that haunted me was 'why' why did this happen ? Everything happens for a reason. What was the reason ? The statement was "they weren't going that fast, nor that slow". No booze, no drugs. So I thought, you need to go there , yes, you can do this , pick a nice day on the anniversary weekend, maybe Sunday, get directions and a map drawn up on Friday by people who knew where it was.
That was the plan.
I don't know what happened to the plan, I guess Shawn had a different idea.
Its the Wednesday night before the weekend , its already dark, about 7:30 pm, I'm watching TV, hubby's asleep. Without any thought what so ever , I get up, walk into the kitchen , pick up the keys to the truck, jump in and drive into the darkness......

The Wilderness

Six months later, sick at heart and unfocused, I knew I had to get away, anywhere, so I took a break and went into the wilderness. Here there would be strangers, I would not meet people who knew my son, I would not have to act anything, I would be able to cry and scream in peace. I worked at a Lodge in the summer and was the caretaker of the property on closing from October to June, along with a huge Turkish Anatolian hound.
The winters alone were a partial healing for me, to be alone , with the three dogs, wondering the back roads in the snow, I would cry to the trees, and see him behind every one. He was there with me, every day when no one else was around, he kept me company. This time away seemed to be what I needed for awhile, but the total healing that I craved was not coming. There were times I thought I was losing my mind, and only my strength of character and thoughts of the rest of my family kept me going.