Why doesn't time heal when you lose a loved one? I have these bursts of energetic bawling every once in awhile , and I feel so sad, so utterly sad without my brother here to talk to. I just want to look into those warm eyes of his, hear him laugh,and tell a joke or a story, just to feel his presence, knowing he is there for me to call and talk to, or run up to Charles's pit , see if he's around. Of course being here in the Arctic, it would be the phone calls.
When I went to Alberta I called him a fair bit because he was my anchor to home, to my childhood, he was always that, always the tie to the past. He was solid, a presense that I just adored.
We spent all our time together as kids, Sandy was a year older, we always walked to school together, he always got me through the tough times, like talking me across the bridge when the river was so high that the water lapped across the boards, talked me down out of pine trees when I went so high that I scared myself. Yea he was the man.
I remember the 3 mile walks home from school, he was always singing, and always walked with his chin up and a bounce in his step, those little traits continued on through out his life and later with an added confidence, he walked that same road till his death.
I remember him protecting me when our two older brothers were fighting and scared me , and I would cry, I remember when we got a home made beer from under the wood house step ( where dad 'hid" them ) and had our first swig and got tipsy....... I remember when we rolled up cigarettes of pine spills and tried to smoke them..... and challenged each other on the easter egg hunts to see who got the most....the trips to " Mary's old house" to see what we could salvage, sneaking down to Uncle Harry's after dark to steal grapes off the vines...the walks down to the lake to swim in the cove....the times he would beat blood suckers off the backs of my legs with a stick...skinning rabbits we caught in our snares...building tunnels in the hay mow using the bales of hay.....and the time we baby sat for our cousins down the lane and got into Grampys desk and his sherry and chocolates.....the time he got yelled at for letting me drive the new Massey Fergason tractor and running it into Uncle Charlie's pig house roof , causing over a thousand dollars in damage... going to Don grovestines store to buy our new jeans ( Levi's)for exhibition...later on his talks to me when my first husband and I were breaking up...his advice was to stay, work it out, but it was too late that talk, to-day I look back and see how right he was and know why he had a marriage that lasted well over 40 years...... yea, he was a big part of my child hood, a big part of my life...always there when I needed him.... and now he's gone.
Never say never
12 years ago
