Wednesday, December 9, 2009


..... Is it like this with all parents ? Sometimes, just before going to sleep at night you have these scenario's play out in your know , how you are trying to go to sleep and you start to have horrible imaginings , especially when you are really worried about your kids , and you keep pushing them to the back of your mind......That happened to me a lot , tears would come and I would have to force myself to think of something else, it was always something really awfull that had happened to one of my boys, and when it did, their father would come to me and tell me, it was always him , and it was always early morning....then when I came close to thinking something that I wouldn't be able to stand ,I would stop and force myself to stop thinking and go to sleep as I just couldn't imagine beyond that point, I just couldn't.
.......The walls are stark, snow white, and there are many, many rooms, more than any normal house might have , maze like, the doors are a dull, coal black and placed in such a way that none are opposite each other but every room has two.
.... I see them tie his feet with a hemp rope that's at least 2 inches thick, he's wearing his leather jacket and his black cap...... oh God... it hurts to watch because I know the intent,I know what their doing,I start to sob.... I see the truck, big , black , and I know its very powerfull, I am frozen, I am trying to scream for him to get away... I watch the rope being snaked through all the rooms, I can see the people who are doing it, running in and out, in and out, but there is no detail to their faces... Once it's through the house , I see it being tied to the truck , I cannot scream at them to stop, my vocal chords are numb, I am so helpless... the tears start , the tires start screeching away from the building , his body begins hitting walls , I hear the thud and crunch , I wake up , tears pouring down my face , sobbing so hard I can hardly breath, and realize I am in my bed and its only a nightmare.
...... All day it comes back to me and fresh tears flow , with just the thought of the horror, it stays with me for weeks.
......This is the second one I remember, nightmare that is, though there have been many before. One had him in a trunk, it was being tied, they were going to throw him overboard....who " they " are , I have no idea , these are the dreams of a mother who is terrified for her child... terrified that when he goes to sea he may never come back...these night terrors became so real to me that I felt I had to tell him, and so I did.
My oldest son was a commercial fisher and when I knew he was at sea in stormy weather , I could hardly sleep, so I told him about the nightmares....he laughed , my son said ...mum...don't worry about me , if I ever go overboard it will be a peaceful way to die...just slip into the cold, cold water and within minutes go to peaceful is that, he says.......after this conversation ,the dreams more came and I slept sound when he was at sea. It wasn't until later that I learned he actually was afraid of drowning...his words to me were just to calm me, and it had worked. He was a good boy.
.....Then one early morning his father came to see me, and I was taken beyond that point....


  1. You make me cry Joyce..Lord I miss him. I remember he would be steaming up the harbour, and he would call me, sometimes 9 or 10 o'clock at night and ask if he could stop in the house and get his haircut! He said it was the only place in town where he could get his hair cut and have a beer at the same time!
    By the way, I read your blog everyday..I love it! Take care and keep writing!

  2. I love to hear these stories, please write as many as you can Bonnie, ( as long as they are printable !!