Sunday, December 13, 2009

The Shock

As my sons father left the house, I started to lose it, really fast,the air left me, the feeling in the center of my being was nothing I had ever felt before, something had just reached inside me and ripped out everything, I felt light headed, I was floating, It took my breath away for several seconds and when it came back I was screaming so hard that my dogs, with ears and tails down, ran for cover. To this day the little male cannot stand to hear a raised voice.
Sometime later, seconds, minutes, hours, my body came back to that space in the kitchen, damaged beyond repair. Then shock took over and I stayed that way for weeks. No one noticed. Later that morning or sometime that day I must have decided that I could change this horror story, I was not going to let it happen. I went to see him,thinking, I can fix this, I have to fix this , but I couldn't wake my son up, I couldn't kiss him and make it better anymore. I walked away, devastated that I could not save my child.I returned home,seething in absolute rage.
I went out to the woods behind the shed and beat a tree to death.

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