"Giving is healing"

I see Cardinals everywhere now, they stared coming shortly after I saw the first one in the tree. They come in different forms, the first was a Christmas card the next month after we lost him, the beautiful red bird embossed on a white background, Then in February , in a container of flowers, March a door knocker, and on and on, they have never stopped coming, all of a sudden they were everywhere, he is with me.
I don't know why I am able to put this to paper now, probably because finally I am able to speak the unspeakable ? Is it because of where I am; here in this beautiful strange land? Whatever it is it is. Thank-you Kim; as you said “giving is healing “ and a big thanks to Edna. I can rest now, knowing that my son is at peace.

After thoughts...

It is 8 years later, yet it still seems like yesterday, I guess it always will. I think a lot about that night, driving back there, thinking, “woman you are nuts” ,it was just your imagination, I can go with that, but what gets me is, how did I know where to go ?
You never get over this, time does not heal the loss of a child , time heals the loss of some loves, parents ,siblings, husbands ,wives, aunts, uncles, but never a child.
Nothing heals the loss, because you physically lose a part of yourself, especially a mother , it is there in your heart/soul/mind and gut forever. Time makes it easier to bear, just a little easier, even now I just have to think about him and the ache and the tears will come. I had never given much thought to dying until I lost him, it was then I knew dying in his place would be a good way to go.
I will cry for the loss of my oldest son until I meet him again, and I know that that's the way it is and always will be, and I will handle that.

Spiritual guidance...

Its the Wednesday night before the weekend , its already dark, about 7:30 pm, I'm watching TV, hubby's asleep. Without any thought what so ever , I get up, walk into the kitchen , pick up the keys to the truck, jump in and drive into the darkness......

It's not that far up the highway where I have to turn up the Wentworth Road. About a mile up the road I start to cry, really wailing, I pull over, I can't do this. All of a sudden ,Shawn is beside me, he says its OK mum, its OK, I'm with you, so I keep driving, there are roads everywhere,I can't believe how many , a maze of woods roads that all look alike and I am talking out loud and agitated and desperately thinking, I will never find it , he says its OK mum ,its OK and 45 minutes later , by myself in the dark , in the middle of no where ,with my son beside me,we arrive. There is the marker that the boys had put up and there is the corner.
We drive around the corner and back, around and back, around and back, five times, all the while me trying to determine what had happened, how did this happen Shawnie, what happened ? and then he tells me, “ I was just going too fast mum, no seat belt, you know me.”
I situated the truck so the lights would shine on the cross on the hill , got out, climbed up the little embankment, and sat there for the longest time, crying the longest and hardest I had ever in my whole life. Then I drove home, by myself, calm in my mind that now I knew why. The next day, I couldn't believe I had done that, and many ,many times since I have wondered how I had. I can only write it off to spiritual guidance.

But before this...

So now I have to go back in time to 1991 ,before I go on with this otherwise you will think me crazy, yes , I too have though it myself, but the more I talk to people who have experienced this sort of thing, the more I think I'm OK...well maybe.
I was born a skeptic, I have only ever believed in what I could see,when it came to the spirit world of any sort, religious or otherwise , forget it, I was not convinced of any of it,and then my mother died.
Were it not for a friend of mine with me that day , I would say I was crazy and off my rocker and had imagined the whole thing.
She was dying of cancer, I was on my way to Halifax for a checkup after my cancer operation. My friend drove and when we came abreast of Liverpool a sea gull swooped down in front of the car , back to us , and we hit it , or vice versa, did some damage to the chrome trim so we continued on.I became very anxious. Once finished my appointment, I insisted on driving back. I was agitated, and by the time I got to Bridgewater I could clearly hear my mother singing as plain as if she were sitting in the back seat. I looked over at my friend and said "do you hear that", do you hear that singing ? the look was "are you out of your mind" and no,I hear nothing. I just kept driving, listening , then asked " are you sure" more blank stares and an offer to take the wheel.
As I approached Liverpool again, I blurted out " there's a message on the answering machine from Sandy". No more was said and as soon as I got home , the message was there. He said, " get up here as soon as you can", I did,just in time for her to move her head close to my neck, sigh and pass on, to hopefully a better place. I was singing the song she had been singing to me on my way back from Halifax.
My first ever encounter with something that was not in my world of black and white. Then we come forward ten years. I still believe,or the only reason I can justify for these strange happenings is the connection you have and the stress your body deals with when you lose a loved one. Either its one hell of an imagination or there is a spiritual connection to help quiet your soul.

Into the Darkness

I had never gone to the site, I couldn't, but I knew that I had to go that next November and I knew why. I had seen his vehicle , the Polaris with the roll bars that he was so proud of when he brought it out to my house to leave for a few days before heading back to camp. He took me for a ride, so happy that he wouldn't have to wear a helmet anymore , though it did have seat belts.
When I saw it after the accident I couldn't even look at it, it almost made me sick.The question that haunted me was 'why' why did this happen ? Everything happens for a reason. What was the reason ? The statement was "they weren't going that fast, nor that slow". No booze, no drugs. So I thought, you need to go there , yes, you can do this , pick a nice day on the anniversary weekend, maybe Sunday, get directions and a map drawn up on Friday by people who knew where it was.
That was the plan.
I don't know what happened to the plan, I guess Shawn had a different idea.
Its the Wednesday night before the weekend , its already dark, about 7:30 pm, I'm watching TV, hubby's asleep. Without any thought what so ever , I get up, walk into the kitchen , pick up the keys to the truck, jump in and drive into the darkness......

The Wilderness

Six months later, sick at heart and unfocused, I knew I had to get away, anywhere, so I took a break and went into the wilderness. Here there would be strangers, I would not meet people who knew my son, I would not have to act anything, I would be able to cry and scream in peace. I worked at a Lodge in the summer and was the caretaker of the property on closing from October to June, along with a huge Turkish Anatolian hound.
The winters alone were a partial healing for me, to be alone , with the three dogs, wondering the back roads in the snow, I would cry to the trees, and see him behind every one. He was there with me, every day when no one else was around, he kept me company. This time away seemed to be what I needed for awhile, but the total healing that I craved was not coming. There were times I thought I was losing my mind, and only my strength of character and thoughts of the rest of my family kept me going.

Please God, bring back my son...

I prayed that night, cried and prayed ,hard, that God would just switch us, just switch, if you have all the control in the world you can do it, please God, please bring him back, you can have me , really you can have me. I'll do anything , anything.
I cannot even remember most of what I did and when, but certain things still come to mind. I remember sitting on the coach, looking out the window and wondering why the trees were still green, why the sun was still shining and especially, why the hell were people still moving around ? it made me angry.
Then there was a day when I just lost it, sobbing so hard that I could hardly breath,praying so hard for my son to just tell me that he was still here. Then outside the window a male Cardinal landed in the tree, my mind said,"there he is", he stayed for several minutes to let me know that it was OK, he was still with me. Of course this is what I believe because I had to have something to believe, you just have to have something to hold onto.
For awhile, after the funeral,my dreams brought him home, he was just fishing in Newfoundland somewhere, he was just away.
Nothing worked.

The Shock

As my sons father left the house, I started to lose it, really fast,the air left me, the feeling in the center of my being was nothing I had ever felt before, something had just reached inside me and ripped out everything, I felt light headed, I was floating, It took my breath away for several seconds and when it came back I was screaming so hard that my dogs, with ears and tails down, ran for cover. To this day the little male cannot stand to hear a raised voice.
Sometime later, seconds, minutes, hours, my body came back to that space in the kitchen, damaged beyond repair. Then shock took over and I stayed that way for weeks. No one noticed. Later that morning or sometime that day I must have decided that I could change this horror story, I was not going to let it happen. I went to see him,thinking, I can fix this, I have to fix this , but I couldn't wake my son up, I couldn't kiss him and make it better anymore. I walked away, devastated that I could not save my child.I returned home,seething in absolute rage.
I went out to the woods behind the shed and beat a tree to death.

Early Morning

It's 7 am. Nov/9/01.... early morning...

The father of my children is sitting in my kitchen. When I come around the corner, still sleepy from my bed I find him sitting, slightly hunched, just inside the kitchen door, he has on jeans and a light shirt with a jacket. He sits with his knees together and his hands on his thighs, twisting a wet facecloth, I'm thinking, why did you bring a wet face cloth ?, I have face cloths. he starts talking slowly, very slowly ,his voice is very shaky and as I listen to what he's saying, my clothes start to puff. I see his lips moving,what ?. My mind starts screaming ,what are you saying ? My body is puffing , what is happening to my body ?,
Then he stopped talking and I looked at him, and said matter of fact ; noooo, you have the story wrong !, that's not possible !, its not possible !, your mistaken !, it's someone else, you didn't understand what they told you, right,? it was someone else, your confused, you didn't really, you didn't get it right, oh my God , I am desperate for the right answer, just give me the dam right answer.!
But the more I focused on his eyes and his face I knew, then my heart knew, then my soul knew, that the father of my children would never,ever have come to see me, unless he was right.

PUFF !!

Do you know what it's like to feel that your body is air and its just filling out your clothes like a balloon , you can feel the pressure , Oh my God it hurts , and any second you know, in no uncertain terms, that your soul will leak out into the atmosphere , floating, floating , and then you will disintegrate .
There are some out there who probably understand what that feeling is, a lot more than I ever thought, but who ever thinks that something like this would ever really happen to you. It happens to other people, not you, definitely not to you.

I thought, how arrogant of you to think that you were safe ! Well , I'm sorry , but what parent ever thinks that this is actually going to happen, right ?, because you never go beyond that point , thinking about it , NEVER, but the thing is and the cruelty of it is , it happens.....

IT'S SO DIFFICULT....

It's so hard to talk about losing a child, I am crying the whole way through this but my friend Kim says that you must "spill it out to the world" in order to start the healing process. I thought it would be easier this way, writing to a non entity...but this is not so , it is still hell to do...

THE NIGHTMARE .....

..... Is it like this with all parents ? Sometimes, just before going to sleep at night you have these scenario's play out in your thoughts...you know , how you are trying to go to sleep and you start to have horrible imaginings , especially when you are really worried about your kids , and you keep pushing them to the back of your mind......That happened to me a lot , tears would come and I would have to force myself to think of something else, it was always something really awfull that had happened to one of my boys, and when it did, their father would come to me and tell me, it was always him , and it was always early morning....then when I came close to thinking something that I wouldn't be able to stand ,I would stop and force myself to stop thinking and go to sleep as I just couldn't imagine beyond that point, I just couldn't.
.......The walls are stark, snow white, and there are many, many rooms, more than any normal house might have , maze like, the doors are a dull, coal black and placed in such a way that none are opposite each other but every room has two.
.... I see them tie his feet with a hemp rope that's at least 2 inches thick, he's wearing his leather jacket and his black cap...... oh God... it hurts to watch because I know the intent,I know what their doing,I start to sob.... I see the truck, big , black , and I know its very powerfull, I am frozen, I am trying to scream for him to get away... I watch the rope being snaked through all the rooms, I can see the people who are doing it, running in and out, in and out, but there is no detail to their faces... Once it's through the house , I see it being tied to the truck , I cannot scream at them to stop, my vocal chords are numb, I am so helpless... the tears start , the tires start screeching away from the building , his body begins hitting walls , I hear the thud and crunch , I wake up , tears pouring down my face , sobbing so hard I can hardly breath, and realize I am in my bed and its only a nightmare.
...... All day it comes back to me and fresh tears flow , with just the thought of the horror, it stays with me for weeks.
......This is the second one I remember, nightmare that is, though there have been many before. One had him in a trunk, it was being tied, they were going to throw him overboard....who " they " are , I have no idea , these are the dreams of a mother who is terrified for her child... terrified that when he goes to sea he may never come back...these night terrors became so real to me that I felt I had to tell him, and so I did.
My oldest son was a commercial fisher and when I knew he was at sea in stormy weather , I could hardly sleep, so I told him about the nightmares....he laughed , my son said ...mum...don't worry about me , if I ever go overboard it will be a peaceful way to die...just slip into the cold, cold water and within minutes go to sleep...how peaceful is that, he says.......after this conversation ,the dreams stopped...no more came and I slept sound when he was at sea. It wasn't until later that I learned he actually was afraid of drowning...his words to me were just to calm me, and it had worked. He was a good boy.
.....Then one early morning his father came to see me, and I was taken beyond that point....

GOOD DEEDS !!

Presley and I decided to do some good deeds and thank some very important people in our neighbourhood. I had made 46 Northern Iced delights last night so we split them and took them to the members at the RCMP and our other friends at the Fire Department and the Paramedics. We think that they had a great coffee break !!